And Then There Were Two

This is not my regular blog. This is not my regular Saturday. Why? Because now there are two, minus my one...my first one. I'm not dying, but my stomach has never felt so sick. A sickness that is both excited for him, but terrified for him at the same time. A sickness that may be selfish, but it is just the same. Wanting to hear a few more times...

"Mom, I'm going to go over to..."

"Mom, can I have..."

"Mom, is it okay if I..." 

"Mom, what time do I need to be home..."

"Mom, I need some money for..."

"Mom, do you like this..." 

"Mom, does this look okay..."

"Mom, who sings this song..."

Yesterday, I did not talk much on our commute home, did not care what was playing on the radio and when asked if I wanted to stop and get something to eat...I did not care much about that either. I'm not being dramatic, drama isn't my thing. Heartsick that's not my cup of tea either, but I am. I miss him...terribly. I know I'll get used to it, but I don't want to get used to not washing his clothes, seeing him daily with his friends, making him something to eat, watching TV with just him, listening to music, helping him with the things that he needs ME for. Better yet, him helping me for the things I need just HIM for. Only he will do. 

I never really gave it much thought, until the reality set in.When I returned home and walked  into his empty room, knowing that he would return to a dorm that night...not his home. I sat on the couch...alone, and cried. Not a cry that was eyes just welling up with tears...it was a cry that you hear from a little girl when her heart is broken, when she can't catch her breath. 

He's my first words. My first grin. My first steps. My first slept through the night. My first tooth. My first day of school. My first date. My first kiss. My first car. My first prom. My first high school commencement. My first everything in between. Basically, my first love...that's what he is. 

Again, I know it will get better (for me) and the absence of me in his daily life doesn't seem to phase him...just as it did not phase me when I left my parents. I have wanted to text or call him to make sure he is okay. But I have refrained. I know he's okay, it's his mama that is not doing well. He will come home a couple times a month and maybe he'll ask me to wash his clothes, fix him something to eat or perhaps he will have a new request...and I'll try do what he asks of me. That's what the mama of a college Freshman does. That's what a mama does no matter what the age of her child. 

So when he (if he) reads this blog, I hope he gets a laugh when he sees what song I placed in this piece. He and I both like it and this was one of those songs that he asked..."Mom, who sings this song?"